Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
