I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
