I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
