Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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