We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize