Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
