she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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