i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
