I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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