didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
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