if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
