I am midnight drunk by noon
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
