it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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