i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
