sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
