Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
