I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
