You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
