So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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