How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
