I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
