Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
