I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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