i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
