It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
