I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Randomize
