Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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