fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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