Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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