I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
