girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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