I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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