so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Randomize
