You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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