youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
