A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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