ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Randomize
