2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
