You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm like, not good at living.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
