omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
