Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
