I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
