Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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