The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
