How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
