Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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