It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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