He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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