OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
