making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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