I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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