party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
