Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Farmville is her only friend.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
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