Tell her she can't have a vagina
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
