Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
