How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
