Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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