I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
