the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
