Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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